Foot Meal
Posted by WIWAM in Health/Nutrition/Food, Ridiculousness on July 11th, 2010
Imagine you are a prisoner being held captive, and you are being forced to eat a human foot. You must eat this foot or you will be killed, but you do have a few choices: You can choose whether you eat a right or left foot. You can also choose whether or not you eat the foot off the bone, or have it cut up in pieces. How do you eat this foot? I’d have to go in pieces, and a right foot.
Dead Records
Posted by WIWAM in Sports/Entertainment/Music on July 10th, 2010
Dead musicians need to stop releasing albums. This is getting ridiculous now. Tupac has eight posthumous albums. Eight! Dead people should not get credit for releasing music when 99% of the work going into the album is done by other people. The end.
Conflicting Superstitions
Posted by WIWAM in Humans/Society, Religion/Holidays/Traditions on July 9th, 2010
NHL goalie Ryan Miller has a superstition: he has to be the last person off the ice after practice. I don’t know why he has this superstition. Perhaps his brother was the second to last person off the ice one practice and was murdered by the last person off of the ice. That would be my guess. Anyway, what if there was another player that had the exact same superstition and was traded to or signed with Ryan Miller’s team? Superstitions can be taken pretty seriously in sports, so this could really become a big deal to these guys. Would their conflicting superstitions prevent one of them from signing with the other’s team? How would they handle this if they ended up on the same team? Would they try to leave the ice at the exact same time? Would one of them create a new superstition? This needs to be answered.
Online Dictionary Typer
I wonder whose job it is to populate online dictionary databases. Doesn’t that sound like a horrific job? Seriously, go look at an entry at Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary and tell me how horrible it must be to have to enter that information all day long: definitions, pronunciations, functions, synonyms, etc. Unless, of course, the majority of definitions are already in the database in which case you would only have to enter new definitions. That would be much better. Although, it’s likely then that you would have a lot of definition quality control work, which would also suck. Basically the gig sucks no matter how you slice it.
Animal Breeding: Part 1
Posted by WIWAM in Animals, Words/Language on July 5th, 2010
If you were to breed:
1) A Snake
2) A Giraffe
You would end up with:
A Snaraffe.
Wasted Resources
Posted by WIWAM in Religion/Holidays/Traditions on July 4th, 2010
In general I have a big problem with holidays, but Independence Day is in my top 5 of retarded holidays. In other countries Independence Day is a celebration of escaping from persecution, murder, genocide, etc. In this country we make believe that we were escaping from one or all of those horrible situations. We were not. We love to play the victim here in America. Anyway, as part of this Independence Day tradition we like to waste millions of dollars in resources making things explode in the sky. Granted, fireworks have a definite entertainment value and it is not my intent to ruin or dissolve all the fun on the planet, but what if we took all the money the country spent on fireworks each year and used it to help solve an actual problem. Not to mention the countless number of Americans who blow parts of themselves up or off and have to receive inordinate sums of valuable medical resources getting stitched back together. The hidden costs go far beyond explosives. As usual, the verdict is in and it screams loudly that Independence Day is a big waste, an attempt by America and Americans to show off their big dick.
Shaving Sharing
Posted by WIWAM in Uncategorized on July 3rd, 2010
Is it unsanitary to use the same razor to shave your balls and your face? I hope not, because I don’t switch razors or blades when I shave. The whole of the outside of my body is very clean on a daily basis so I don’t see how this is a problem. In fact, I suspect my balls are much cleaner than my face at any particular moment. That’s it. I really just wanted to inform you of this for no particular reason.
Carts in Aisles
When shopping, I hate when other customers bring their over-sized carts down narrow aisles. Everyone’s been in this situation before. You’re standing in an aisle debating whether or not to buy something and some over-sized person is pushing their over-sized cart with their over-sized, screaming child down the aisle right at you. When they get to you they ask you politely to move, but they still struggle mightily to squeeze their way past you, creating a horrible situation for everyone involved. This is what the shopping experience is now like; repeatedly moving out of the way for other people. Why can’t people just leave their carts at the end of an aisle and walk down it? Detach for a second from your massive consuming extension and take a fucking walk.
Bitch Side
Posted by WIWAM in Commonalities, Fashion on July 1st, 2010
We all have a favorite side of the closet, and a bitch side of the closet. Our favorite side is easily accessible and holds all the clothes we wear on a regular basis. The bitch side of the closet is further away, hard to get to, darker, and houses all of the clothes that we will either never wear again or wear rarely. The bitch side has jackets in the summer, suits at all points of the year, old shirts, dirty favorite shirts with stains that just won’t seem to come out, clothes that just don’t fit anymore and workout clothes. It more than likely encompasses half of your entire closet space, yet it’s almost never used. We’re very happy with our favorite side of the closet. It has a large amount of light and the clothes have more room to breathe than the bitch side. It’s almost as if Heaven itself is shining down on that side, inviting you to wear some of it’s fine offerings. It makes you smile as it contains all the clothes that look great on you. The bitch side just needs a little bit of love, but it will never receive it. It is destined to be angry, upset and murderous for the whole of eternity.
I’m Not Really Glad
Posted by WIWAM in Commonalities, Sports/Entertainment/Music on June 30th, 2010
I’m not really glad they made The Children’s Aid Society. I don’t know how long ago it was that I heard the jingle on T.V. for The Children’s Aid Society but it was long enough that I’m concerned about my well-being that I still remember it vividly. I can’t remember where I put my glasses on a daily basis but for the rest of my life I will be able to sing the jingle to this commercial. I don’t know if The Children’s Aid Society still plays those comemrcials but I really hope that they don’t. Another generation of people do not need to be subjected to such a memorable, life-altering jingle. I feel like it’s eating away at my brain. I’m really glad they made… The Children’s Aid… Society. It plays over and over and over again in my head. I think every tenth playback it has a subliminal message that tells me to murder my family. I don’t trust it.
Cooter Scooter
Posted by WIWAM in Sex/Drugs, Transportation on June 29th, 2010
As is the case with most of my sex toy ideas, I do not research to see if they actually exist. I’m sure this one does in some capacity and if it does not then I am a goddamn genius and am in need of a sex toy inventor’s job ASAP (for those reading with connections).
Anyway, there should be a scooter or some type of motorized bike outfitted with a dildo on the seat, for those women who are stuck in traffic or just need to orgasm before work or wherever they’re going. Nowadays, there is precious little time to get things done and multitasking is a necessity. So travel and masturbation seems like a logical pairing. So for you invention companies out there, get moving for my lady friends. You can call it the Cooter Scooter. I expect royalties.
And yes, I clearly think about dildos more than the average person.
A Few Rubber Bands
Posted by WIWAM in Commonalities, Personal on June 28th, 2010
I needed a few rubber bands for a project I was working on, so as anyone would do I went to Staples. Unfortunately, Staples only sells rubber bands in packages and counts of a billion. I think it’s a billion, it may be upwards of two billion. I now have enough rubber bands to left me for the rest of my existence. I will never have to buy rubber bands again for the rest of my life, unless of course someone comes and steals my rubber bands. I don’t think that scenario is very likely though, since the thief would need to own a wheelbarrow. So if you need any rubber bands…ever…give me a call.
100 MPH
Posted by WIWAM in Humans/Society, Sports/Entertainment/Music on June 27th, 2010
Does anyone else find it strange that humans have a baseball throwing speed of 100mph?
For starters, yes there are people that throw faster than 100mph, and the majority of humans cannot throw a baseball that fast. But in general, 100mph is the maximum speed a top pitcher throws a baseball. It seems very strange that such an even number would be the maximum throwing speed. It’s based upon a measurement (mph) that we as humans have made up as well. I admit there are a lot of circumstances involved here, including the modern construction of a baseball. Putting all of that aside, I think it’s still noteworthy. Physics, human conditioning and measurements have come together to provide a throwing speed in base 10 that is nice and even. Personally, I think Jesus is involved somehow. He can also throw a curveball, so I’ve heard.