Removed Cousins
Posted by WIWAM in Uncategorized on July 26th, 2010
I don’t understand how cousins work. I’ve always detached myself a little from family so I never asked simple family questions even as a child like, “What is a cousin?” At this point in my life I do understand what a cousin is, but not the specifics behind what makes a 2nd cousin, 4th cousin, 5th cousin, etc. It’s a simple matter of not caring enough to think about it, mostly. Therefore, I also don’t understand what it means to be “removed” in cousin status. I’m assuming marriages are involved, as is usually the case with family nomenclature, but again I suppose i just don’t care enough to sit down and think about it, or even look it up. I suppose I’ll die without ever knowing and I guess I’m fine with that.
Kitty Licks
Posted by WIWAM in Animals/Nature on July 25th, 2010
How do kittens and cats know that they need to clean themselves with their tongue? Forget cleaning themselves with their tongue, how do they even know they need to clean themselves? Sometimes the wonder and scope of genetics baffles me, and I love it. My kitty cat did not grow up in a stable, functional kitty home with a mom and a dad and a mortgage and therefore was not instructed by his kitty parents on how to clean himself properly. Everything he “knows” regarding tongue-cleaning is instinctual, unless he immediately picked up on his mom cleaning him with her tongue at birth, which seems unlikely. On second thought, it was probably just Jesus.
Blondie Love
Posted by WIWAM in Sports/Entertainment/Music on July 24th, 2010
If you don’t like the band Blondie, I have it on good authority that you are a Nazi. “Call Me”, “Heart of Glass”, how can you not like Blondie? Blondie is awesome. Not liking Blondie is not awesome. Nazis are not awesome, therefore if you do not like Blondie you are not awesome and are a Nazi.
I’m glad we can agree on that.
Old Conversations
Posted by WIWAM in Humans/Society/Family, Politics/Nationalism on July 23rd, 2010
When I get old, I desperately want to be one of those old men sitting around a table discussing politics or sports or anything, really. At my local bagel store/deli there are two tables inside and it doesn’t matter what time of day you get there, they are both packed with older men discussing the topic-of-the-day. Normally its politics, but sometimes its about how there are too many cream cheese options. Where do I sign up to be one of these grizzled, old men? Can I just skip the rest of my life and go directly to this point? It seems like the place to be.
Never Owned
I have never owned a garbage can. There are certain possessions in this world which you don’t gather or buy until you’ve hit a particular stage in your life, and this bothers me. I don’t own a house, and therefore I’ve never owned a garbage can. A real, bring-it-to-the-curb garbage can to hold my “outside trash”. I have never had to go to Home Depot or Lowe’s or wherever else you can buy this crap and stand around examining and judging garbage cans by circumference, height, texture, color, etc. I feel like I’m missing out on a big part of my life. No one ever tells you as a kid that you’re not going to be completely satisfied in your life until you own a garbage can. Mind you, I don’t actually want to fill the garbage can and bring it to the curb and back, I just want to own it. Knowing I own my very own garbage can that I picked out is good enough for me. Besides, adults don’t bring garbage cans to the curb. That’s why kids were invented.
Showtime
I can’t hear the word, “Showtime” without singing, “At the Apollo” in my head. I don’t know if this is related to a head injury as a child or just my complete failure in leaving adolescence.
Dust Jackets Suck
Posted by WIWAM in Books/Education/Science/Math on July 20th, 2010
I hate dust jackets. Also known as book jackets, book covers, dust covers, etc. Dust jackets are supposed to protect books from wear and tear, liquid spillage and other damage they might incur. All dust jackets excel at is being a big pain in the ass. They contain illustrations which are usually terrible, quotes & blurbs from people or companies I don’t give a shit about promoting a book I already have, and they simply get in the way when I’m trying to read. If I take the dust jacket off so it doesn’t bother me while I’m reading I don’t know where to put it, or its get lost, bent or damaged in another way. Then I have an imperfect dust jacket, which brings up another issue: double dust jackets! Some books, often in libraries, have a second dust jacket, usually transparent, to protect the first dust jacket and ultimately the book! This is insane. Books should not need so much protection. If a book is important enough that it needs all of this protection, it should not be in my hands. Give me the feeling of the actual printed book in my hands any day over layers of retarded dust jackets. Down with the dust jacket!
Animal Breeding: Part 2
Posted by WIWAM in Animals/Nature, Words/Language on July 19th, 2010
If you were to breed:
1) A Rhinoceros
2) A Kangaroo
You would end up with:
A Rhinoroo. One of the most dangerous and aggressive pouch-having, boxing glove-wearing, hopping horned mammals.
Last in Creativity
Posted by WIWAM in Politics/Nationalism, Transportation on July 18th, 2010
Recently I was driving behind a car that had North Carolina license plates. Since every state needs a retarded slogan on their license plates North Carolina had one that said, “First In Flight.” First in flight…really? This is the best you can do? There hasn’t been anything important that happened in North Carolina, ya know like, since then? It’s been 107 years since the Wright brothers famously had their first human flight. I understand that flight is a huge historical achievement, but this is hardly drawing tourists to your state at this point. If I was the first state to abolish slavery I would probably be deservedly proud of something like that, but I don’t think it belongs on a license plate at this point in human history. I thought the point of retarded license plate slogans was to say something meaningful which brought in potential tourists and got people excited about visiting. Also, North Carolina and Ohio apparently have some sort of friendly state rivalry going on because Ohio has license plates that say, “Birthplace of Aviation”. Oh shit, state fight is on!
That’s it, license plate slogans are for idiots.
Czech Meet
Posted by WIWAM in Sex/Drugs/Relationships/Dating on July 17th, 2010
I have an idea for a new dating site. It’s going to be a hit… in the Czech Republic. It’s called Czech Meet. Get it?! Screw you, it’s awesome. The slogan can be, “Czech Meet, where you can meet your Czech mate.” Someone should follow through with this idea and give me 25% of the profit.
Thanks.
Sponge Changing
How often am I supposed to replace the sponge in my kitchen? I feel like this valuable piece of information was not taught to me during childhood, and certainly was not addressed in school. In my kitchen I have two sponges: one is for washing my dishes and the other is for washing the plates with cat food. The only reason I separated the tasks into two sponges was because I bought a pack of sponges at Costco. Since Costco only sells things in packages of a billion count I figured I could use more than one at a time. Anyway, I’m pretty aggressive with my sponge-cleaning and they break apart every so often, but is there a standard amount of days or weeks I need to be replacing them? Every week? 4 weeks? 6 months? You could tell me once a year and I’d probably believe you.
I like opening the package for a new sponge and the difference between a new sponge and one I’ve been using for a week or two is quite noticeable, so I might as well just keep replacing them fairly often. That being said, I think this needs to be addressed in schools so our children know moving forward what acceptable sponge practice is.
Nude TV Watching
Sometimes when I’m on the couch watching TV and it’s a hot day I’ll just wear my boxers. Normally this is fine behavior, but occasionally if it’s really hot I’ll find myself slipping my boxers off without even realizing what I’m doing. It’s like my hands have a secret agenda to take my boxers off while my brain and eyes are occupied with the TV. Being naked in front of the TV is also fine, but then there are weird moments where I’ll change the channel and there will be a baseball game on, or a show with only men. At that point I look around my empty apartment to make sure someone isn’t watching me, sees this and runs out of the apartment without giving me a chance to explain what was going on.
Beach Balls
Posted by WIWAM in Ridiculousness, Sex/Drugs/Relationships/Dating on July 14th, 2010
I think it would be pretty terrible to have, “beach balls”. Doesn’t this sound like a horrific secondary sex organ problem? “I’m sorry sir. I’m afraid you have… beach balls.” That’s the last thing I’d want to hear at the doctor’s office. What would be the symptoms of beach balls? Testicles filled with sand? Multi-colored testicles? Children come around and slap your nuts around? No matter how you cut it, it would be terrible to have “beach balls”. How would one go about curing these beach balls? Surely you’d have to stay out of the sun for quite a while. I hope I never get “beach balls”, and I hope you don’t either.
Shocking Outlets
Posted by WIWAM in Ridiculousness on July 13th, 2010
The electrical outlets in my apartment shock me. They tell me unbelievable things, which in turn shocks me again because there are talking electrical outlets in my apartment.
W-Shaped Groin
Posted by WIWAM in Health/Nutrition/Food, Humans/Society/Family on July 12th, 2010
My friend likes to claim I have a sexy V-shaped groin. I can freely admit I don’t have the sexiest of physiques, but when you catch me on the right day my torso can look alright. I wear my pants and shorts pretty low and occasionally my obliques and other ab muscles shift the right way and give me that “V-shaped” look. I think the V-shaped abs/groin area is incredibly attractive. I’m not attracted to men, but at the same time I can admit when a guy is good looking, and the “V” certainly helps in that area. Some guys have so much muscle and definition in that area that I don’t think the “V” does it justice. If I have a V-shaped” groin then then must have “W-shaped” groins, or “X-shaped” groins. I even think the “V” is attractive for women. Normally I’m attracted to girls with some muscle definition. Good abs are near the top of the list of attractive features to me. So work hard, eat right and you too can get that elusive and attractive “W-Shaped” groin.